Full story after the jump.
January 22, 2009 – Well here’s an interesting update – I’m single again. After about 6 months, give or take, I have bid the boyfriend adieu. Now, before you start frolicking and thinking, “Yippee, here’s my chance!” allow me to clarify: I am single, content to remain so, and absolutely not interested in changing that status.
Now here’s where it gets complicated, and I’m hoping I can get some input from those of you who have been through a life-altering loss like I went through with Don.
The boyfriend did absolutely nothing wrong. I waited and bided my time carefully for 2 1/2 years until finally hand-picking the guy I thought would fit perfectly with me and my monkeys. And he was everything I could have hoped for. He was smart and funny, handsome and athletic, successful and financially secure, and best of all, the kids adored him. What’s not to love?? All systems were go, and I was ready to settle down for a happily ever after story.
Problem is, my heart doesn’t seem to be working right anymore. My capacity to open up and love is GONE! It’s the most baffling thing. My conscious mind is setting scenes for romance, “Ok, let’s do Hawaii, let’s do sexy lingerie…”, but my subconscious mind is battling me every step of the way. And I do mean subconscious – everything I was doing worked perfectly to draw the boyfriend closer to me in every way, but meanwhile I’m constantly fighting this panicky urge to push him away all the time! And the closer he would get to me emotionally, the more desperate my terrified need to get away became!
I hoped that with time I would get over whatever this irrational fear was, and be able to settle down and enjoy a lovely relationship, but my subconscious never stopped fighting me every step of the damn way. And eventually I just gave up. It just wasn’t enjoyable for me to have to fight off panic and fear every time we moved a few steps forward in our realtionship. I had to admit I just wasn’t ready to do this yet, and I had to let him go. Again I reiterate, he did nothing wrong. He was doing everything right. The problem was all me. And I think I know what it is – my subconscious is desperately trying to protect me from ever having to go through what I went with after I lost Don, ever, ever again. Because it would kill me. And I have tears rolling down my face just from typing those words. It. Would. Kill. Me. Cannot go through that hell, never never never again.
And I know I probably sound like a rambling psycho to anyone who has never gone through the pain of losing a spouse or the closest person in their life before, and I wouldn’t expect you to understand. I never could have imagined pain like this until I had to wake up to the nightmare every day myself. I’m just wondering if anyone out there who HAS been through something like this can identify with the first unfortunate relationship I just bumbled my way through post-Don, if this is something normal, and if I will ever get over my fear of letting anyone in ever again? I have to be honest, I’m perfectly OK with staying single as long as I’m raising my kids. They’re all I need right now. But I guess once they leave the house I’ll probably get lonely – anyone interested in arranging a date with me when I turn 50? LOL…